beginning in the middle of something
It's 10:00am.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table in a summer dress and Ugg boots, the kind that were trendy my middle school years, with a protein shake, a script, and a sweater keeping my company on the tabletop. The heater is running and I'm this close to baking some sort of pastry nonsense. For all intents and purposes, things should be great.
But, none of this is how I'd like it.
I'm not wearing what I want to be wearing.
I'm not drinking what I want to be drinking.
I don't look the way I want to look.
I don't feel the way I want to feel.
Nothing is how I'd planned and I can't do anything about it.
Overall, I'd rather be somewhere else.
So, I'm sitting here feeling kinda sorry for myself and that's when it whacks me in the noggin.
I can change that.
I have the power to help myself feel better.
I ran to my room and throw on some less-than-clean running clothes and head out the door.
Everything falls into place.
My clothes are dirty, but that's ok because I need to do laundry.
My body is dirty, but that's ok because I'll shower when I get back.
I was at a stand still, but I decided to do something about it.
I take my usually, albeit recently untraveled, path and find intense comfort in feeling my heart work harder at it's job. Towards the end of my course, I take a detour and go somewhere new. I run by little things I've never seen before: in one yard, a chipped, orange teacup housing a creeping fern and then a few doors down, a wreath made of driftwood and shells on the gate. Things things hold so much life. They were selected and they are loved. There's a little piece of the person who chose them tucked safe inside.
This all reminds me to look for more. To try to see more in people and life.
It also reminds me how much I've missed.
I've been so internal so many things have gone by without even being noticed.
And I can do better.
I will do better.
I am better.
I am the same.
Better than that old sad sack from three hours ago. Better than that old sour puss from a week ago. But I'm still me, and that, dear friend, is enough.
There is no need for comparison.
Only need for goals and empathy and patience.
None of this is groundbreaking.
None of this new.
But, up until this moment, this one right here, I was feeling VERY stuck indeed.
You see, this summer I devoted my life to many projects that didn't pan out. We planned and planned and everything was great. Until it wasn't. It just didn't work out.
And lemme tell ya, that feels real bad.
I'm sure you've experienced something similar and you probably know it to be a really sucky thing.
So, let's commiserate.
It sucks.
Now that's over, I'm going to do something.
I'm going to pick up the pieces and begin again. If I don't like how things are now, I will do what I can to fix it, for me and for those around me. I will be brave. I will be kind. I will not be complacent. I will always do my best, even if it doesn't work out. That's a wicked hard skill to learn but it's important. Not everything works out like you'd planned. And that makes it an opportunity to start fresh.
And it's gonna be ok.
Really, it will.
It must.
Usually, this is where I would apologize for talking so much about myself, but this is essentially a feelings free write and this one gets to be about me today.
It isn't taking up space if it's the space my human being is allotted.
The same goes for you.
We are enough.
We are all deserving of our space.
much love,
--hannah